~ A Thought ~

It seems to me that making a person believe that they will get what they want if only they try to have a little more faith, to pray a little harder, or more often, is a thoughtless and cruel burden to place on them when they are already bowed down by pain. To use a picturesque expression, it is really kicking them when they are down.

Dark and twisty

When Derek proposed to Meredith he said this:
You got me into the OR. If there's a crisis, you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse, you've survived worse. And you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are.

I want to remember that quote, because maybe it's true of me too. Maybe it's not always bad to have darkness. Maybe, sometimes, darkness can bring strength.

Jesus is master

Luke 4.31-37
Jesus [said]..."Come out of him!". When the demon had thrown him down before them, he came out of him without having done him any harm.

It is possible to come unharmed out of suffering because Jesus will always be master of the situation.

This seems actually impossible to me, that I could be changed by an experience of suffering without being harmed. That Jesus really is, or chooses to be, master of all the suffering in my life, in the lives of people I love. It is difficult, I suppose, not to take the hard lesson, the negative lesson, not to confront God with confusion, suspicion, anger. It's true that I sometimes don't understand why, if God really loves me, as 'master' of the situation, he doesn't protect me from all the ache.
But I suppose it is only the foolish tantrum of a child to say this. Like in Psalm 73 - 'When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was stupid and ignorant; I was like a brute beast toward you.' Because neither does a small child understand why their parents won't let them stay up all night, eat only sweets and never vegetables, bang pots continually with a wooden spoon, play with matches. They don't understand the purpose of this apparently cruel treatment, but in retrospect it all makes sense. In retrospect they see that their parents were actually looking after them more carefully, more lovingly, than they could have looked after themselves. Because they are the joy of their parent's lives: the tenderest, most precious gifts their parents will ever be given, and that they long to protect.
This is true of my life. Or I hope it is. Jesus IS master of my life, of my suffering. And although I may suffer all kinds of insults, humiliations, bruises, pain, God cares for me more lovingly than I could possibly care for myself. And the important things will remain intact, will even be enhanced. My confidence in him. I hope this is true, that after all the questioning, all the fear and doubt and confusion there will be a perfect moment when it all will make sense. My life. The truth is, that even if I never get all of the things I want, or, in fact, any of the things I want, God will never leave my side and I would not part with his presence for anything.

God
I am definitely not master of my life. My weaknesses prevent that. It is such a relief to me that you are master of my life, of the situations that cause me pain. I'm glad that they are not meaningless, that you will not let them permanently harm me. You are close by. And you care for me so lovingly because you know what I need better than I know myself. I selfishly and impatiently seek to end my suffering. But you know when the right time will be. And then, at that moment, you will step in and demonstrate that you are master. I want it to be soon, but know it may not be. Please give me patience.

Jesus suffered. A lot.

Luke 4.2
For forty days he was tempted by the devil. He at nothing at all during those days.

Jesus also suffered temptation. Such an abstract word - but: he was tempted to do things he - wanted? Tempted to make life easier, the journey simpler, his glory on earth greater. Instead he chose to make life harder, to receive little praise from men, to suffer most. And I thank God for that.

It seems so cruel and heartless to say that I rejoice in Jesus' suffering. And if there had been any way to shield him, I would do that. Any way to give the human race what they need without Jesus suffering the abuse, the insults, the humiliation and the death that he did, I would do it. But there was no other way. And we need his sacrifice. Without it we cannot, I cannot, live. I would be separate from God - that I could not bear, that I would not survive. Even on earth, let alone in the after life.

God. Father. Jesus.
It seems so incredibly unfair that you had to suffer in a way that I would not be able to cope with - so that I could be blessed. I know you chose that path. I know you would do it again. But it aches me that I can't go back and prevent it all. It hurts me every time I read of how you were abused. And I know how little I deserve your intervention, your suffering, your unfailing neverending allencompassing love.
In a weird way I know, but totally don't know, why you did it. I'm not worth that. You must be so disappointed that you suffered all that way and now I am the way I am and not worth the trouble. I'm so sorry I'm not more worth saving. But thankyou SO much, for saving me anyway.

Second chances

I am not the sort of person who finds it easy to trust a second time. When a person receives my confidences with silence, anger, or advice for the future, if they do not give me the respect I feel I deserve, or fail to miss me after an absence, I retreat. I put some armour between me and them in fear of a second occurrence, thinking it safest to isolate myself. In a place of isolation, it's true, there's no risk of being hurt by loved ones, ignored, offended, injured. But there's also no opportunity for snickering with a friend at a joke only the two of you understand, of witnessing the demonstrative nature of selfless love after having to phone them at 3 am when it's all gone pear-shaped.
And anyway. If we cut a person off after one mistake, we lose all of the future moments of them telling us exactly what we need to hear. How many people respond exactly right to the words 'I love you', when spoken for the first time? Probably not many. But if we all isolated ourselves after that first suprised 'What?', we would miss the thousands or millions of times that they make up for it by speaking those same three words tenderly back. Personally, I wouldn't exchange those moments for anything.

Movies I've watched

Out of '1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die', I've watched the following (in chronological order by date of release):

The Wizard of Oz
Gone With the Wind
Wuthering Heights
Fantasia
Citizen Kane
The Maltese Falcon
Dumbo
Casablanca
Singin' in the Rain
Roman Holiday
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Rear Window
The Man Who Knew Too Much
12 Angry Men
An Affair to Remember
North by Northwest
Ben-Hur
The Apartment
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Lolita
The Nutty Professor
Goldfinger
My Fair Lady
The Sound of Music
The Jungle Book
M*A*S*H
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Sting
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Picnic at Hanging Rock
All the President's Men
Star Wars
Grease
Alien
Life of Brian
The Muppet Movie
Ordinary People
The Empire Strikes Back
Airplane!
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Chariots of Fire
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial
Tootsie
Return of the Jedi
The King of Comedy
The Terminator
Ghost Busters
Back to the Future
Stand By Me
Aliens
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Babette's Feast
The Princess Bride
Moonstruck
The Untouchables
A Fish Called Wanda
Big
Die Hard
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Batman
When Harry Met Sally
Pretty Woman
Total Recall
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Strictly Ballroom
Groundhog Day
Philadelphia
Jurassic Park
Forrest Gump
The Lion King
Casino
Babe
Toy Story
Clueless
The Usual Suspects
Independence Day
Secrets and Lies
L.A. Confidential
Titanic
There's Something About Mary
The Sixth Sense
The Matrix
Meet The Parents
Memento
Moulin Rouge!
The Royal Tenenbaums
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Chicago

Books I've read

Out of '1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die', I've read or watched (more than half of) the following (in chronological order by date of publication):

Aesop's Fables - Aesopus
The Pilgrim's Progress - John Bunyan
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
Emma - Jane Austen
Persuasion - Jane Austen
Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen
The Fall of the House of Usher - Edgar Allan Poe
A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
The Count of Monte-Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Our Mutual Friend - Charles Dickens
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There - Lewis Carroll
Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson
King Solomon's Mines - H. Rider Haggard
The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson
Tes of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Yellow Wallpaper - Charlotte Perkins Gilman
Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
The Time Machine - H.G. Wells
Dracula - Bram Stoker
The Invisible Man - H.G. Wells
The Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Thirty-Nine Steps - John Buchan
The Garden Party - Katherine Mansfield
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd - Agatha Christie
Lady Chatterley's Lover - D.H. Lawrence
The Maltese Falcon - Dashiell Hammett
Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
Thank You, Jeeves - P.G. Wodehouse
Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
The Third Man - Graham Greene
Casino Royale - Ian Fleming
The Quiet American - Graham Greene
Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch - Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn
The Spy Who Came in From the Cold - John Le Carre
Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep - Philip K. Dick
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
The Lost Honor of Katharina Blum - Heinrich Boll
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
The Name of the Rose - Umberto Eco
The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien
Get Shorty - Elmore Leonard
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
The Sea - John Banville
On Beauty - Zadie Smith (sort of)
Saturday - Ian McEwan (currently reading!)

Humanity

Secrets, lies, mystery,
humanity.
We tell stories to each other as well as ourselves,
Learn to hide our secrets,
Our hearts,
Ourselves.
We can’t let people in,
Work so hard on being fine
and forget how to be real.
Forget to live.

Make life meaningless.

All a shadow.
No one sees past the mask
constructed so flawlessly
Must remain enigmatic;
the only way to be safe.
Experience teaches,
Take no risks.

Remove the mask
only to face rejection,
a knife of ice.
Replace the mask
stay safe.
So let not your guard

slip.