I'm finished

I'm finished! I'm finished! I'm finished!
And that's all I have to say about that.

What having finished means

I'm three days shy of finishing my degree. In the words of the fabulous Bethany, this is what it means:
I don't have to spend 12hours/day at the lab. I don't have to sit in front of the computer for 3 of the hours that I am at home. I don't have to study on weekends. I can go out. I can read FICTION, and watch movies, and go shopping (window-shopping if finances are strained). I can have HOLIDAYS. Think about it - real people in real jobs get four weeks of holidays a year. I've had squat, so far. So, four weeks gets me to Christmas, and I can think about it after that. I can put my creativity to good use making Christmas cards or presents. I could earn money from my folks from doing household tasks that they haven't got time to do. (I said 'could', not that I have to, or that I would enjoy it.)
What else finished means: I've earned my degree. They will give me a piece of paper next April. I will get to wear a funny hat while they do it.
And as for next year? Well, I can choose. And if I get it "wrong" (but how will I know, I mean, really KNOW - maybe if it's not what I want, then that's just what has to happen for me to realise that that's not what I want. Nobody lives a perfect, mistake-free life.) then I can choose again, differently. And not making a choice is still choosing. Stuff will happen, regardless of whether I make a choice, but if I do something it will influence the stuff that happens.

The Life of David Gale

We spend our whole life
trying
to stop death.
Eating,
inventing,
loving, praying, fighting,
killing.
But what do we really
know
about death? Just that
nobody comes
back.
Then there comes a point,
a moment,
in life when your
mind
outlives
its desires, its obsessions.
When your habits
survive your dreams
and when your losses...
Maybe death is a
gift.
You wonder.

Delightful absurdity

Why do elephants paint the bottom of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in your custard.
Have you ever found an elephant in your custard?
Well then you know it works!

Tiredness

It's a bizarre thing, but sometimes I'm so tired I want to cry. And that's the only reason. It's not like someone's just died or life is going pear-shaped. I'm just tired. I think it's got something to do with maturity and responsibility. Because all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for about 100 hours. But I can't do that. I can't even postpone what I'm doing right this instant to have a short nap. I could, theoretically, go home from work, turn my electric blanket on, get into bed and sleep through the rest of the afternoon. But this is where the maturity comes into it. Because if I was many (or even a few) years younger I would probably do exactly that. But I can't. I have to ignore what I want to do, to do the things I have to do. And it's maturity that enables me to do that. It's maturity that enables me to stop picturing my oh so cosy bed, and even to stop just staring at the computer screen. It's maturity that gives me the ability to actually keep on working when all I want to do is sleep.
Secretly, I wish I didn't have to. If I had a choice, I would revert back to a child in an instant, just so I could deny maturity, so I could claim childishness and tantrums and cast the weight of my responsibilities onto someone stronger. Then youth could be my excuse for achieving nothing. And I could sleep all day long. I don't think I fully appreciated this when I was a child. But if I could have my childhood over, I would sleep right through it just to make up for what I'm missing now.

Procrastination

It may seem paltry of me to keep resorting to the words of others to express myself, but c'est la vie. After all, eloquence is not limited to modern times (far from it). We are saying the same things over and over; the only difference lies in the words we choose. We are all borrowing from the ideas of others, straining to understand them better by expressing them in our own ways.
I like this quote because it sounds like something I could have written. And because it exemplifies the strategy I'm going for at the moment. Most of the time.
"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying."

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

An Ode To Sleeping

Oh how I long to sleep.
The End.

Life speeds by

It's been awhile since I've visited my little blog. The year is speeding by. Sometimes I'm caught in the rush; sometimes I feel like I'm standing still as the world rushes round me; mostly I feel like the world is standing still and I am rushing through it. I don't like those moments. They make me feel I'm missing the poetry of living when I don't have time to appreciate it. Like that old cliche about stopping to smell the roses every once in a while. Well I guess here I am. Smelling the roses.
I went to a bookstore today and browsed their classics. Not for the first time I picked up Franz Kafka's 'Metamorphosis', read the first paragraph, and thought to myself 'I really have to read this book'. Then I put it back. I've had a block of chocolate sitting in my house for two weeks that I haven't had time to eat. If I don't have time to eat chocolate, I definitely don't have time to read 'Metamorphosis'.
But every time something like this happens, I promise myself I'll make up for it later. When I finally get time for myself I'll buy 'Metamorphosis' along with 'The Great Gatsby' and a hoard of other books on my list, and I will read them all. I'll stuff myself with other people's imaginative meanderings. And it won't matter that there is no time for that this year. It won't matter at all.

What writing gives me

Moments when everything seems to be imbued with a sense of oneness, a kind of peaceful unity that makes me feel like the world speeding by around me has been muted because I've found the niche I've been looking for. And I don't want to ever leave it.

From Little Women

"If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear you may someday find yourselves believing that's all you really are. But time errodes all such beauty. What it cannot diminish are the wonderful workings of your mind: your humour, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you."

Here's to all the Smokers out there

I have recently been doing an assignment that has required me to research smoking statistics. Many of them shocked me so if you are a smoker and need incentive to quit, this is for you.
1. There are 1.3 billion smokers in the world (that's about a quarter of the world population)
2. There are 5 million smoking related deaths annually (1200 in the US daily)
3. 1/2 of long term smokers will die prematurely
4. In the UK the number of deaths caused by smoking is 3000 times more than the number of deaths caused by road traffic accidents
5. In the US, more than 4000 youth smoke their first cigarette daily
6. 84% of lung cancer deaths are caused by smoking
7. Due to all the negative media on smoking in the western world, the tobacco industry is currently shifting its focus to the developing world where smoking is now on the increase
8. 25% of smokers still believe that smoking is not bad for their health
These are only some of the statistics. If you want to kill yourself, go ahead and smoke. You have a 50% chance of succeeding (but be warned that your death will probably be long and painful). If you want to live - quit smoking. By the way I should probably add that in the UK alone, there are 700-1000 annual deaths caused by second-hand smoke.
Still think smoking is cool?
Think again.

Last Words

I don't really know what else to say at the moment other than quoted final words that move me and that I understand more deeply now. As I read through them again I realise that each of them amazes me because the person dying was still focussed so completely on life and the people around them, not considering their own sorrow. They died courageously, living up until the last moments thinking of those they were leaving behind.

Louis XIV on his deathbed to his attendants who were crying:
"Why are you weeping? Did you imagine that I was immortal?"

Marco Polo:
"I have not told half of what I saw."

Nathan Hale (before being executed):
"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

Bishop Hugh Latimer (said before being put to death):
"Be of good comfort, Master Ridley, and play the man. We shall this day light such a candle by God's grace in England, as (I trust) shall never be put out.

Kaiser Willhelm I (said during his last illness):
"I haven't got time to be tired"

Jesus Christ, on the cross:
"It is finished."

Favourite Quotes

"I'm very brave generally," he went on in a low voice: "only to-day I happen to have a headache."

-Lewis Carroll

Creativity continued

Last week you read in shock as Ariel (the mermaid, yes, apparently she does exist) solicited my aid in defeating Scylla (the Greek one). This week I begin my journey to the golden city (so named by Ariel)...
Walking back up the beach towards my car (I don't actually have one, but it's nice to dream), I was immediately distracted from my goal by ummm... what? By what? By... a heavy beating. Turning back towards the water I saw an inordinately large eagle flying towards me. I screamed, thinking this would be an unpleasant (and possibly bloody) message from Scylla. In less than a second the creature was a metre away from me and speaking my name.
"Lucy," it said, "I come from Ariel."
I staggered, then regaining my poise I said crossly "I didn't think eagles were sea creatures. Or able to speak English!"
"Eagles aren't," it said. "I am a griffin."
"A griffin?! Oh this morning is going just great. Not to be petty or anything, but since you aren't supposed to exist, doesn't it kind of blow your cover to be seen by people?"
"Oh no. The people that see us are uniquely chosen for difficult tasks. And we remain invisible to everyone else."
"So I look like I'm talking to the air?"
The griffin nodded (sort of, I'm not sure if griffins can actually nod, but say it made a kind of affirmative head movement).
"So what you're saying is, I look like I'm completely crazy! Fantastic! I'm going to end this thing by getting committed!"
The griffin, ignoring my remarks, said "Come, we must hurry and begin the journey at once."
"Well that's not true at all," I said grouchily. "Ariel said the trip would take two hours and I had three days to do it. So I think I can probably relax about it for a day or so."
"No! You must not! When you reach the golden city it may take you several days to convince Eric's family of our need!"
"Oh," I said disappointedly. "Hey! How do I even know that you are from Ariel and not from Scylla?"
The sphinx looked offended (again, not sure if that's possible but let's just say it is). "Griffin are always on the side of truth and love," it said tersely.
"Fine, fine. I just have to get some things out of my car," I said.
"Yes, the tools Ariel has sent to aid you in your task. Let us get them at once."
I looked sideways at the Griffin. "Well, how about you wait here and I'll come back with them. I don't want to be seen talking to the air any more than I can help it."
"No, I must accompany you. I have been instructed not to leave you alone at any time."
"Fine," I muttered. "By the way, since we're going on this journey thing together - what's your name?"
"My name is Arnorld."
I choked. "Arnold?" Then between giggles I asked, "So are you a guy?"
Arnold's offended look had returned, but he said "I am a male griffin, yes."
"Well, Arnold, let's get going," I said, still lauging.
Tune in next week to find out what will be discovered in the car....

Truth

If I touch you, I might burn you.

Creativity

You know I should really use this thing for working on my creative writing (which won't otherwise get much work this year). For example...
let's say I went to... the beach. Early this morning. (This is definitely fiction. I'm never up early). The early morning sun was glorious, celebrating the new day. The air was fresh - that uniquely beach air that is a combination of salt and sand and seagulls.
I jogged along the water edge quickly at first and then more slowly as I watched the sea. (This could be true, I usually jog at least a little bit when I go to the beach.) The movement of the water was mesmerising and I eventually stopped altogether, looking out over its vast expanse. As I did so, an odd movement to my right caught my eye. But when I turned my head to work out what it was, it disappeared. At first I thought the effects of getting up too early were causing me to see things. I was about to look away when I saw the movement again, closer this time. Shock rooted me to the spot. (What a cliche). I looked around me, but I was alone on the beach so there was no one to verify what I was seeing. (What was I seeing? It could be a dolphin although I'm not sure I would be 'shocked' to see one in the sea (this is, after all, where they generally reside). Perhaps someone I thought was dead is swimming towards me. This would definitely be a shock and also has interesting possibilities. Or it could be some kind of sea monster - a (really big) sea snake or a giant octopus. Although I think shock in that case would make me flee for my life. How about...)
Swimming towards me was a face that I recognised on a body that I had previously thought (and possibly still did think) to be mythological. When the... thing... (I can't really bring myself to say mermaid) was only a few metres away, she called my name.
"Lucy!"
I hesitated. "Ariel?" I said.
"I need your help!" she said.
"You need my help! You need my help? I need the help of a psychiatrist! Since when do mermaids actually exist? And I thought you grew legs and married the prince!"
She snorted (an action I had not previously associated with mermaids). "Get with it! He grew a tail and became a merman. There's no way I was going to give up my female right to maintain my oceanic role."
Visions of a sweet and demure Ariel cast aside, I said "So you want my help? Princey boy probably got a little sick of the water," I added to myself.
"Scylla has take Eric captive and we need to get in contact with his family. They have the magic weapon that can defeat her."
"Scylla? As in Scylla? The Greek one?" (my knowledge of Greek myths comes in handy here)
"Yes, of course," Ariel replied impatiently. "Are there any others?"
"Aaah, well, I suppose not."
"We cannot lose any time, you must travel to the golden city. It is two hours from Adelaide, and invisible to the human eye. When you return to your car you will find a sack containing all you will need to find Eric's family and convince them of our dire need."
"Hey, look Lady. You may be able to boss Eric around all you like, but I have other things to do with my time." I turned around to leave, but her next words stopped me.
"Your reward will be a chest of priceless jewels."
"Aaaaah, now you're talking."
"But we must talk no longer! Time is short so you must begin at once! I will meet you back here at sunset in three days. Remember, by sunset on the third day you must return."
"Hmmm, that sounds familiar," I said. But Ariel had disappeared under the waves.
Da da da dum.......
Tune in next week for more exciting adventures.

The Sixth Sense

Some movies I know I'll love and some I know I'll hate. And some movies surprise me. I am definitely not into scary suspense movies and thought The Sixth Sense would not be my thing. But when I saw it by chance (while babysitting - this is when I see most movies by chance) I loved it. I am unashamedly a massive Bruce Willis fan (who can forget Die Hard???) and I love his brooding sincerity in this movie. My favourite quote is when Cole's mum comes in and starts to tell him about her day - she makes up a whole lot of cool stuff including winning the lottery, quitting her job, and having a long picnic. I don't know why I love that. It's just. Sweet and funny and kind of heart breaking.
I won't say I love the twist at the end because I wouldn't want to give it away for those who haven't seen it, but for those who have.... lean in and I'll tell you a secret... I LOVE the twist at the end! It's very powerful.

Shopping

I actually have numerous things to say on the subject of shopping, but today all I will say is that I dream of having a shopping centre entirely to myself where every clothing item is perfectly suited to me and every coffee exactly to taste. There would be no pushing crowds and no grouchy employees. Funky music would be playing, not grunge and not loud. There would be soft couches at regular intervals, hot coffee and juices sitting on the side. AND I wouldn't have to drive home through hectic traffic afterwards. All the assistants would be friendly but not pushy, and none of them would make me feel dowdy (by being more attractive than is healthy for one person to be). Okay freeze that. I'm starting to sound like a Hitler wannabe. Scratch all of that. What I really need is a good sleep. And some patience...

I know I'm going to run out of things to write

I mean let's be honest - who really cares about what I have to rant about? Part of me thinks that what's great about blogging is that I can pretend to be a totally different person. I can be the person I actually want to be in this cyberspace where noone but me knows any better. But that's the tricky bit. I do know better. And eventually, inevitably, the deception will fail. I'm not that great at deception. Especially not character deception. It's just too hard. Although there are people out there who think I'm well-adjusted, sane and uncomplicated - they are few and far between. Oh dear, my first cliche. There we go, the deception has already failed. I naturally use cliches all the time and it's just too hard cutting them out.
What am I rambling about? Does anyone care? Do I? That whole thing of less thought more action is not going to work if I continue these pointless philosophisings. So, on action: I'm going to go and drink some coffee and have a bit of chocolate without worrying about the calories.

Beginning

I am now an official blogger. Sadly. I hoped never to succumb to this bizarre world of curious user names and weirdo events. Only for computer nerds I say. I guess now I am a computer nerd. But it's Rose's fault. I needed a login account to comment on her page so now I have a login. And I might as well use it, right?
It's kind of a poetic moment to start something like this anyway. It's a new year and new things are happening. I'm doing my Biotechnology Honours. It's strange and terrifying, especially considering I didn't ever think I'd make it. It's kind of cool that I have. I've defied my own expectations of failure and now I have to overcome the biggest mountain of all. The Thesis. Hmmm. I don't really want to think about that yet.
Do I have any new years resolutions (I hear you asking)? Not really. Except I'd like not to fail my Honours, but that's kind of a given. How about - eating less chocolate? Well, we all know that's not going to happen. How about this one. Be adventurous. Take risks. Michelle Branch says "It's all so overrated, never saying how we feel, so we end up watching chances fade." I want to take chances this year. I want to go dancing and not be embarassed. Crash a few parties, maybe kiss a few boys. Be a bit reckless. Not all the time, but I've always been the mature and responsible one. Sensible, that's me. Sometimes I need to think less and do more. HEY! That's it! That's my motto for 2006. Think less, do more. I like it.